the need to flee

31 May

the first of many great escapes.

i should be happy. i’m “newly single”, which is admittedly a difficult situation, but i’m cautiously excited about imagining a new life. i’ve got a steady paycheque from a job i enjoy. summer is approaching – one of the lesser seasons imho, but beautiful nonetheless. i’ve got some holidays + a massive family reunion in the near future, + a dear friend is moving to my city in 3 months. a trip back home to the west coast is a distinct possibility before september rolls around. i’m at the culling-and-cleaning stage of the search for a new apartment. and there isn’t much danger of having to see my partner in crime of 8-ish years with his new love interest(s), as he’s currently 9000km away. (when the dude leaves, he leaves.) on many counts, things are looking up: my life is full of possibility.

yet i feel like running. i want nothing more than to abandon this life as i know it + flee for parts unknown. this is a tendency i’ve had as long as i can remember: when the going gets tough, i get going. maybe it originated with the panic attacks in my childhood; wanting to run from the anxiety and the fear. the desire to just do something, to burn off the excess energy, to feel productive and distracted from the unpleasantness. it’s how i ended up in los angeles 11 years go, how i ended up in france so many times the past few years. each of those times, i learned some valuable lessons, and had some wonderful experiences that added richness and depth to my life and to my understanding of myself and the world around me. yet i also recognise them for what they were: distractions. sometimes we run to avoid having to deal with things that we simply aren’t prepared to process yet. the key is knowing that, and then coming back to those issues later on when we’re better equipped to deal with them.

this time, though, it’s simpler than that: more than a mere distraction, it’s easier to start fresh in a new environment (see, my hpb had the right idea). getting away from the drama, the gossip, the questions, + the daily reminders of a life that no longer exists. it’s hard enough learning to be a single gal again; doing so in the midst of the life that used to be is that much harder.

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